Date Night
by Beanus
Summary: What happens when Papyrus decides to prepare for his famous date with the human? Perfection, obviously, as Papyrus never fails. A re-imagining of the famous Papyrus date.


"just be yourself, bro. honestly, the human isn't even that bad a kid."

Sans held his trademark lazy grin as he watched his brother frantically apply all sorts of odd rubs (and strangely enough, several different types of dips and sauces) to prepare for his 'date' with the human.

"SANS, I NEED TO LOOK FABULOUS FOR THIS! I MUST BURN INTO THE HUMAN'S MIND THE GLORIOUS IMAGE OF THE GREAT PAPYRUS! AND HIS RIPPLING BICEPS! AND HIS VERY BEAUTIFUL SMILE! AND-"

"his lack of nice clothing?"

Papyrus turned towards his brother, eyes popping out.

"...SANS! I WILL HAVE. YOU. KNOW. THAT I HAVE READ ALL THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT THE ART OF DATING FROM A LEGENDARY TOME OF...OF...THE DATE MASTER! NYEH HEH HEH!"

"oh, you mean this manual that i got from the library?"

Sans held up the slightly worn book, "OFFICIAL DATING RULEBOOK FOR COOL DUDES", his grin slightly widening.

"N-NO! WELL...MAYBE! GAH, SANS...I NEED YOUR COUNSEL ON SOMETHING...PERSONAL."

Sans looked at his brother, slightly surprised that he was genuinely asking for help.

"what's up, bro? you can tell me anything."

"WHAT DO YOU THINK THE HUMAN WOULD ENJOY AS A GIFT? THE RULEB- MY EXPERTLY HONED INSTINCT TELLS ME THAT HE/SHE/IT WOULD ENJOY A MEAL FIT FOR KINGS! WELL, ONE KING. ASGORE. BUT I'M NOT MAKING A MEAL FOR HIM."

"did you try spaghetti?"

"...OH MY GOD!"

Sans chuckled as he saw his brother throw on his signature tattered cape and run downstairs to the kitchen. Hearing the telltale signs of Papyrus screaming as he fell down the stairs, Sans stretched before heading back to his own room.

"it'll be fine, probably. i got work to do anyway. sleeping."

* * *

IT IS IS, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, NARRATING TO YOU FROM MY PERSONAL PERSON! NYEH HEH **HEEEEEH!**

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS GRACE, YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF? PREPARE YOURSELF, OTHER HUMAN, FOR I WILL **OH NO THE SPAGHETTI IS BURNING**

"I-I CANNOT FAIL! THIS PASTA IS PERFECTLY PERFECT! COOKED TO IT'S MOST ABSOLUTE LIMIT, THESE NOODLES DESCRIBES MY FIERY PASSION LIKE NONE OTHER BEFORE IT! I APOLOGIZE, OTHER SPAGHETTI."

PATTING THE OTHER MASTERPIECES IN THE FOOD MUSEUM, THE GREAT PAPYRUS STEELS HIMSELF FOR A CONFRONTATION WORTHY OF THE GODS!

"NYEH HEH HEH! WITH THIS, THE HUMAN WILL TRULY BE KNOCKED FLAT UPON THEIR BACK WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, AM THE KING OF DATING! I WILL BATHE IN A SHOWER OF KISSES EVERY MORNING! MORE SO THAN I ALREADY SHOWER!"

MARCHING OUT OF THE PAPYRUS FORTRESS, I WAS MET WITH NONE OTHER THAN...THE HUMAN! RIGHT OUTSIDE MY DOOR, NONETHELESS. PERHAPS...

THE HUMAN IS A PSYCHIC WARLOR...WITCH...ERR...THING?

"AH, ERR, UM, GREETINGS, HUMAN! IT IS A LOVELY DAY TO NOT EAT MY THOUGHTS, YES?"

 ***Papyrus is trying hard to play it cool.**

A WAVE WITH IT'S TINY HUMAN HAND WAS MY RESPONSE. WHAT A CUNNING LINGUIST!

"BUT TODAY IS SPECIAL, HUMAN, DO YOU KNOW WHY?!"

THEY TILTED THEIR HEAD. NYEH HEH **HEEEEH** , MY THOUGHT FORTRESS IS MORE IMPENETRABLE THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT!

"YOU ARE GETTING A GIFT! FROM ME! THE GREAT PAPYRUS! AND HERE IT IS!"

UTTERING A SOFT YET STILL TOTALLY COOL 'NYEH HEH HEH', THE HUMAN UNWRAPPED MY BEAUTIFUL PLATE OF SPAGHETTI AND HELD IT IN ALL OF IT'S SLIGHTLY BURNT GLORY. AND BY SLIGHTLY BURNT, I MEANT BLACKENED. WITH PASSION!

HEARING THE TELLTALE SOUNDS OF CRUNCHING, MY EARHOLES WERE FILLED WITH HAPPINESS! AND SLIGHT PAIN!

"HUMAN, YOU DO NOT CRUNCH SPAGHETTI! BUT FRET NOT, FOR I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL SHOW YOU ALL THE SPAGHETTI EATING TECHNIQUES OF YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!"

STRIKING A COOL POSE, I FELT A SLIGHT WEIGHT UPON MY MANLY BREASTPLATE. THE HUMAN WAS PRESSING IT'S WEIGHT UPON ME, IT'S TINY ARMS WRAPPED AROUND...WELL, NOT QUITE AROUND.

"A SPAGHETTI EMBRACE? WOWIE, YOU'RE MAKING ME BLUSH! VERY WELL THEN HUMAN, I WILL COOK YOU ALL THE SPAGHETTI YOU COULD EVER DREAM OF!"

NYEH HEH HEH! THE GREAT PAPYRUS ONCE AGAIN PULLS OFF AN ASTOUNDING VICTORY! I MAY NOT GET INTO THE ROYAL GUARD FOR CATCHING A HUMAN, BUT I WILL GET IN BECAUSE EVERYONE WILL CATCH THE FEVER! WHAT FEVER, YOU MAY PONDER?

 **SPAGHETTI FEVER! NYEH HEH HEEEEEEH!**

* * *

"so lemme guess, papyrus made some nasty noodles and you felt kinda sick after eating the eighth bowl?"

the kid nodded a little, but resumed holding their head over the oversized sink.

"welp, thanks for makin' my bro so happy today anyway. you shoulda seen him, he was-"

 ** _*hurk!*_**

"well, i should leave you alone. you ate papyrus' famous black spaghetti, pukin' is just **barf** **for the course.** "

 _*ba dum tss*_

aw, they didn't find it as funny as i did.

* * *

 **A/N:** UNDERTALEEEEEE

Seriously, this is my GOTY. Phantom Pain? Sure. Bloodborne? Fine, fine.

Skeleton dates? Sign me up!

This won't be my last Undertale story, definitely not. Hopefully, I'll get better at these.


End file.
